Harry and Ronaldo at Hogwarts
by Squeesh
Summary: Nonsense Fic! Harry has a broom, Ron is Porto Rican. Need we say more?


Enjoy =D

* * *

Harry Potter rode into the great hall on his sparkling broomstick.

"Looking pretty fly for a wizard guy!" Shouted Ronaldo.

"Shut up you Porto Rican redhead!" Harry shouted back.

It was the Christmas holidays and the school was almost empty, except for those few students and teachers who noticed the irony of celebrating a Christian holiday when you can shoot magic out of a wand. Harry had taken to flying about the school on his broomstick and engaging in general badassery. Ronaldo mostly sat in the great hall eating caviar-coated veal. Ronaldo wasn't from a rich family and didn't have much money, but the fact that he could do magic made that somewhat of a non-issue.

"Ronaldo," Harry mused as he flew in circles above his friend's head, "what do you think we should do with ourselves now that we're on holiday?"

"We could always go out and meet some girls?" Ronaldo suggested.

"I'm not sure man, I don't really like to date girls from the same school, it can lead to really awkward break-ups." Harry blushed as he said this, expecting Ronaldo to made fun of his lack of past relationships.

"Harry you absolute moron, this is the only magic school in the country, not to mention the only teenager-inhabited country in a fifty mile radius. There are no girls who aren't from the same school!" Ronaldo explained this point as one would explain algebra to a five-year-old.

Harry pouted at his friend's tone and turned away on his broomstick. He would have stomped off, if it wasn't so hard to do in mid-air. He suggested going to the local village, populated by old wizards and witches who liked hanging around a school for some reason, and drink butterbeer. Neither of them knew whether butterbeer was alcoholic or not, and if only they had realised how many calories a pint contained, but it sounded like a good way to spend one's time.

The walk to the village was long and cold. Ronaldo didn't understand why Harry was happy to ride his broom indoors but couldn't give him a lift to their destination. Harry had only muttered something about the possibility of offering a girl a ride if he passed one when Ronaldo asked him about it. He didn't see why anyone would want to ride Harry's broom, straddling a high-speed tree branch didn't look very comfortable to him.

"I'm bloody freezing!" Ronaldo said to himself. It was far colder than Porto Rico at that time of year.

"Me too," said a talking goat.

Snow began to fall as he neared the village pub. He looked around to see if any teachers were nearby, but wasn't too concerned as the school didn't mind students drinking on the weekends. This was probably because they had their hands full combatting the school's abnormally high death-rate and the effect it had on exam scores.

Just as Ronaldo reached out for the handle, Harry fell through the door of the pub and landed on Ronaldo's feet. Harry's voice was muffled because he was lying face-down in the snow, having drunk a few too many butterbeers while he was waiting.

"What was that you disgrace of a wizard?" Asked Ronaldo, kicking Harry onto his side.

"I'm wasted mate. Have you seen my broom? Professor Trelawney's pretty hot right? I never noticed before." He seemed to be having trouble focusing on a specific topic of conversation. Ronaldo left him outside.

In the pub there was a mixed group of teachers, students and villagers consuming excessive amounts of butterbeer. To be fair, it was that or drink pumpkin juice, tap water was considered a bit muggly. Behind the bar, the bartender had a cauldron of strong ale resting above an open fire. Into this he dropped knobs of butter at regular intervals.

"Hi, is that salted or unsalted?" Asked Ronaldo, who was watching his weight.

"Oi everyone!" Shouted the bartender, "We got a pansy over here, wants to know if the butter's salted or not!"

The patrons all laughed at this but Ronaldo chuckled along with them, it was a well-known fact that inhaling fumes from the buttering process made bartenders go completely insane. This was to be expected, as sulphur in the cooking-fires gave the butterbeer its acrid aroma which wizards liked. Wizards liked acrid aromas and foul-tasting drinks because it reminded them how un-muggly they were.

"I'll have a pint and a few slices of toast please." Said Ronaldo.

He took his drink to a small table, scraped the congealed beer-butter from the top of his pint with a knife and spread it on his toast. The sound of Harry singing 'Voldemort is an impolite snob' came from outside. Several of the patrons turned up their noses at the lyrics, which were relatively coarse compared with the nursery rhymes which most wizards considered to be music. Dumbledore, swaying on his stool, led a chorus of 'Hogwarts is rather a nice place', one of his favourite ditties.

At that moment, an owl came out of the fireplace and dropped a toad on the floor. This hopped across the floor and passed a slip of parchment to one of the villagers in an underhand manner.

"Did you see that?" Harry asked Ronaldo, having recovered from his binge already due to his magic metabolism and seated himself at the table.

"See what?" Ronaldo hadn't noticed anything because that kind of stuff happened all the time and really took the excitement out of life.

"Farlinius Bumblebus Fred is acting very shifty." Answered Harry, who made a point of pronouncing Farlinius' wizard names correctly despite the fact that they were ridiculous names for any human, magic or not. But he spat on the floor when he used Farlinius' muggle last-name, all wizards were really just xenophobes to varying extremes. Harry was a particular racist. He spat again for good luck, on Ronaldo, who he wasn't pleased with for kicking him.

Ronaldo took the abuse because Harry was some sort of messiah figure for wizards, he suspected this was because Harry was Dumbledore's illegitimate son. They hatched a plan to find out what Farlinius was hiding, which involved becoming invisible and sneaking around. Neither invisibility nor sneakiness was entirely necessary, as everyone in the pub was barely conscious from the sulphur vapours and butter binging, but they were pretty bored. Boredom was a common side effect of wizardry, as the ability to shoot magic out of a wand really took the challenge out of human existence. They both put their existential crises aside however in the pursuit of knowledge which was none of their business.

Having crept past several inebriated teachers, passed Professor Trelawney (Ronaldo had to restrain Harry at that point because he had a pretty bad crush on her when his butterbeer-goggles were on) and reached Farlinius, they proceeded to peer over his shoulder. He had really tall shoulders, so this was no easy task. The message read:

'Dear Assorted Magical Nasties,

First order of business, we all had a laugh and it was fun while it lasted but who stole Lucius' Death Eater mask? He hasn't been able to go out freedom-fighting since Saturday and its gone past being a joke. Please return it and we promise we won't be angry. If you find out who has it or somebody returns it, feel free to ignore the last point, it was a trick, and totally murder them and stuff.

Secondly, it appears that people think we're the bad guys in this. I'm not sure why but we're in desperate need of some good PR. Any ideas?

Thirdly, we're behind our quota this year so please increase killing, terrorising and general bad behaviour so we can meet our goals and throw a really great end-of-year party. Any themes in mind? I'm thinking witches and wizards haha lol.

Keep up the good work, Voldemort.'

"Haha," Farlinius said to himself in a sarcastic tone, "he always suggests witches and wizards and then when we see him we have to be all like 'how about witches and wizards, haha that was a good one, youre the dark lord, go you', egocentric loser."

"Ronaldo," said Harry in a whisper, "I think Christmas is cancelled this year, there are Death Eaters _here_!"

"Seriously man, you always have to be so melodramatic. Christmas is a pointless holiday anyway. And there are like twenty teachers here, we could just tell anyone of them and they'll turn this guy into a newt. It would violate his human rights but hey, we're wizards, that's how we roll." Ronaldo gave Harry a significant look and began walking towards the door. The invisibility cloak slipped off them, startling several drunk teachers and causing them to fall off their seats.

"Let's roll Ronaldo." Said Harry, strutting ahead of him.

"No dude, just… no."

* * *

Do we continue?

J&S


End file.
